What you need to know: Despite the term "the terrible twos," tantrums can start as early as 12 months and continue beyond age four. If your child's blowups are frequent (two or more times a day); are accompanied by feelings of intense anger, sadness, or helplessness; are followed by worrisome behaviors like aggression, sleep problems, food refusal, and extreme separation anxiety; continue regularly beyond age four; or if you're having trouble controlling your own anger, talk to your child's doctor. Remember, you don't have to go it alone.
What to do about it: Some tactics work better than others, depending on the child. Try these on for size and stick with what
works best for your toddler.
- Keep your cool and speak softly. Seeing you lose your temper will make it harder for your child to calm down.
- Avoid physical punishment. It's never a good idea, but it's especially risky at a time when emotions are running high and you're in danger of losing control.
- Move a child who is physically out-of-control (thrashing, hitting) to a safe place. Pick her up firmly (without dragging or pulling). If you're in a public place, carry her outside or to your car. If that's not practical, hold your child tight to prevent her from hurting herself. (Some toddlers calm down when they're held tightly.)
- Create a diversion. Some kids can be distracted by a favorite activity.
- Be a comedian. Use humor (funny faces, silly songs, unexpected behavior like talking into a banana) or reverse psychology ("I don't want to see any smiles. Try hard not to smile now. Oh no — do I see a smile?") to coax the sun out of the clouds. Some toddlers, though, take offense when their tantrums are not taken seriously. If that's the case with yours, move on to another strategy.
- Ignore the drama. If your child gets physical during tantrums, make sure she's safe before you try this approach. Another option: Enforce a time-out.
- Whatever you do — don't give in to her demands. This only teaches the lesson that tantrums are a means to an end. If you're out in public and she won't calm down, consider ending the outing.
How to prevent it:
- Ward off the "fearsome four": hunger, fatigue, boredom, and overstimulation. To that end, make sure your child is well-rested and well-fed, avoid overscheduling, and bring healthy snacks and a favorite small toy or book when leaving the house.
- Work with your child's personality. For many toddlers, sticking to a regular routine decreases the risk of tantrums. Others thrive on spontaneity.
- Cut down on the need to say "no." This includes childproofing your home (so you don't have to constantly cry, "No, don't touch that!") and setting clear limits.
- Provide some choice whenever possible. Being able to make decisions ("Do you want to eat cereal or yogurt this morning?") helps a toddler feel more in control.
- Say "yes," "no," or negotiate a compromise, but don't say "maybe." In toddler translation, "maybe" equals "yes."
